|Playing the Rebel|
As many of you know, my best friend and I have stated this
massive project of making a documentary about Christianity called “Color
Outside the Lines.”
The basic goal is
discovering why people in our world today no longer want anything to do with
church but have no problem with the person of Jesus Christ.
Today we conducted a social experiment where
we went to a small Independent Baptist Church out in the middle of nowhere
playing characters that one wouldn’t normally see in church.
She played an unwed pregnant teen and I was
the insubordinate rebel without a cause.
The rebel role wasn’t a difficult one for me to play because not too
long ago the person that walked into that church today was exactly who I
Angry at the world, my icy stares
and baggy clothes tried desperately to hide the pain underneath as I held my
breath that no one could see the weakness of my tattered heart.
Many times I found myself wandering into college
Bible studies, youth led church services, or weekly chapels reeking of cigar
smoke and puffy eyes from consecutive nights without sleep.
I hid my pain with snide comments and cynical
humor trying my best to convince everyone around me that I really didn’t care
what they had to say.
I walked into that
church today pretending to be something I am glad I have escaped from.
My therapist in college used to say that the
hardest part of moving forward is facing your past.
I understand more today than I ever had what
she meant by that.
Today I faced a part
of my past that I hadn’t really dealt with yet.
It is easy for me to look back on the depth of my brokenness and see how
the religious truly scarred my heart; the hard part about today is that I had
to look back and see that my rebellion was just as wrong as their
I have said many times, my
response to pain is my fault not those who caused the hurting.
My choices to drink, smoke, fight, argue,
hate, and respond with insolence are my own and not the responsibility of those
that they are in response to.
thankful that grace came in and saved me not only from my oppressors but also
Today was big for me.
I proved to myself that I’m not that person
anymore, hiding behind rebellion and cheering for anarchy, but that there is truly
joy inside my heart that frees me from having to be hard to keep from getting
I shed another layer of skin today
as I become the new me made by grace and loved by God.
I boast in God’s great love for me because I truly
have never felt more free.
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