My brothers and sisters, consider it nothing but joy when you fall into all sorts of trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect effect, so that you will be perfect and complete, not deficient in anything.
James 1:2-4 (NET)
Over the past several months I have come to truly appreciate
this verse. To say that my faith has
been tested during this time seems somewhat of an understatement so allow me to
elaborate on exactly what that means to me at the moment.
My faith in people has been shaken.
My faith in the institution of church has worn thin.
My faith in my own abilities has been demolished.
My faith in good’s existence in this world has been rattled.
In the midst of all this something beautiful happened. Something frustrating and painful and
beautiful. As my security was stripped
away and I found myself exposed, alone, and vulnerable, I discovered how much
of my worth and identity I had placed in that security. I was so angry, really just consumed with
hurt and anger and bitterness and I started saying things like, “I don’t
deserve this!” and “Don’t they know how much I’ve done!” Soon my anger revealed my self-righteousness.
The thing is, despite my self-righteous heart and desire for
self-salvation from this hole of depression I was quickly sinking into, I found
myself completely and utterly powerless.
Powerless to save myself and powerless to save to the people that I
love. Here in this powerlessness is when
I became devastatingly aware that I had reached the rock bottom of my
self. The enormity of my pride became
very evident to me as well as its uselessness, and slowly but surely I began to
experience the painful liberation of God bending my will to His.
I have become embarrassingly cognizant of the worthlessness
of my own efforts, the filth of people’s praise, and how addicted I am to both
of those things. I work and strive under
the guise of service while my selfishness pushes the accelerator on my
motivation. I am the chief of sinners,
the master of manipulation, the essence of hypocrisy, and I am ashamed of the
casualties left behind in my pursuit for self-satisfaction.
But….
As is true to His nature, I am embraced by the Saver if
sinners, the Master of redemption, the Essence of authenticity, and He is proud
of me. He is for me. He has faith in me when I so often lack
it. I am deficient and He satisfies. I am weary and He carries me on. I am a failure and He perfects me. I am broken and He completes me. His faithfulness is not limited by my
expectation and His goodness is not limited by my belief.
See, because it’s not about me. It’s never been about me. My ability, my rags I’ve esteemed to be
riches, are overwhelmed and outdone by the unfathomable value of His
glory. A glory that He pours out onto me
with every breath I breathe before I can even form the words to ask for
it.
And so I endure. Not
simply to survive the trial but to find joy in journey. As John the Baptist said so impeccably, “He must
become greater; I must become less.” May the greatness of His grace sabotage my
self-salvation plans and may there be joy in the demolition of my pride.
