Friday, August 12, 2011
Fighting the Infection
I have spent most of my life trying to convince other people I was tough. As I grew up it became increasingly harder for me to express how I was feeling because I was so worried that how I was feeling could be perceived as weak or soft. So I turned everything I was feeling within myself and tried to handle all my emotions and hurts on my own. This tore me up from the inside out. It ate at me and cause my heart decay into this nasty blob of something no one wanted to be near. It led me down rough roads of alcohol and violence and bad "friends". I found myself in this situation of having pushed everyone who wanted a relationship with me away and turned off anyone else of every wanting to start one with me. In the midst of spiraling down this dark road of self-destruction I was still very good at keeping up the appearance of having it all together. That might have been my biggest weakness and downfall of all. I was so good at pretending to be OK that I even convinced myself that wasn't anything wrong with me. In the midst of all my junk and my plastic shell one relationship reached in and saved me from it all. For some reason this man wanted that nasty blob of a heart; it baffled me. Not only did he want it... he wanted to heal it! As the relationship progressed I found myself buying more and more into this idea of being safe to share how I was feeling with someone else and that it's OK to be soft. I could feel that decaying heart start to fight off the infection and come back to life with a stronger and more driven sense of love for those around me. So much has happened since that relationship has started. So much hurt and struggle and fear has come but none of it hit my heart. So, here I am, going back to school tomorrow. To a place so infested with infected people that they have lost the ability to see what love really is. Yes, I am afraid of how well I will survive and stay focused on the blessings that fill my life. But... I'm not alone. Knowing that, is enough for me. Let the rain fall... I have a pretty awesome umbrella.